Friday, March 30, 2012

The Friday Diary: March Wrap Up

Tumblr_lj0pe6v9kq1qezigto1_500_large The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New on Grooveshark

Today is the last Friday of March, and by Sunday it will already be April, 2012. 
I can't believe that three months of this year that still feels new to me, have passed already.
It's all kind of going by in a blur, and time seems to be perpetually speeding up.
I feel like a lot has changed this year so far, and more changes are on the horizon, but I feel good about them.

This month, the 14th marked the end of three whole months at my new job.
The first three months were incredibly hard.
I have a boss who is difficult to say the least, and learning how to work with him without taking every little shitty thing he did or said personally was a huge challenge for me.
But I'm incredibly proud of myself for sticking with it, and trying every day to find some way to make that working relationship work because I have a great job. One that changed a lot for me and my kids.
I feel like towards the end of this month my boss and I made some real progress, and I even got him to laugh yesterday when I gave him a bright pink file folder, after he explained to me that he needed a folder made for something in such great detail you would've thought he was talking to a 3 year old.
He laughed a little, and I could see it in his eyes that he knew he deserved that.
As a reward I replaced the pink folder with a dark blue one while he was in a meeting.
I hope that small "thanks for not being a dick about the joke I just made" didn't escape his notice.

Also on the 14th, Bill and I marked the anniversary of three years in each other's lives. 
It's frustrating that we can't say "three years together" even though in my opinion we were together, and the way Bill puts it "we weren't dating but we were definitely in a relationship" {whatever that means}
But regardless, it was a big deal to me to look back at three whole years of managing to hang on to each other in one form or another, in the midst of all the rain storms and outright hurricanes that befell our relationship over all that time. We survived a lot, and even though a good portion of it is far too personal to talk about in detail here, if you knew everything we've been through, I think you'd agree that holding on to each other, and managing to fall in love and grow ever closer to one another was nothing short of a miracle.

Bill and I have grown immensely, I think in the last three months but the last month especially.
I am learning how to love better, and how to have a healthier kind of relationship than I've ever had.
As sad as it sounds Bill had to more or less teach me that not fighting over every single little thing that made me feel the slightest bit insecure, would actually over time make me feel more secure.
He was right, and I'm still learning.
But we haven't gotten in a legitimate fight at all this month, and I feel really proud of that.
My temper still flares up from time to time, and my insecurities still rear their ugly heads, but I'm able to let the moment pass without making a huge issue of it.
I think so, anyway. 

The kids are growing up so fast, and once April starts Jackson will be one month and 18 days from his 4th birthday. 
I feel an odd sense of sadness that his dad will miss yet another birthday, Maybe because I know that the more birthdays that pass, the more aware of that absence Jackson will inevitably become. His 4th birthday feels like the last one he'll have where he won't notice that his dad isn't there for it, or that other kids dads are there for their birthdays.
I wish his dad knew what he was missing.
And I wish Jackson never had to be aware that he is missing out on something too: a father.

As of today there are only 23 more sleeps until we leave for Italy.
Bill thinks it's funny that I count the night before we leave as a "sleep" because he knows I won't sleep a wink.
I really couldn't be more excited, and I couldn't be any happier that I'm going to Italy with Bill.
I say all the time that Bill and I travel well together, and that probably sounds weird to some people because you'd think that if you generally get along with someone in everyday life, or are close with them, that you would also travel well with them.
I've learned that this is not the case, and some people, regardless of how good of friends or how close of family members or how great of lovers they are, should simply never leave their hometowns with each other.
Bill and I travel well together, and I am very much looking forward to the adventures that lie ahead.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this year, to be honest. And that's something I haven't been able to say about the future in a pretty long time.
I have a great job that I'm actually doing well at, I have healthy kids who are growing and excelling despite the challenges they've already faced in their so far short lives, I have a truly truly amazing boyfriend, who gives me a chick flick movie worthy kind of love and makes me feel like we must really have something exceptional, because words just can't describe the respect, trust and admiration I feel for him. And I have a beautiful, safe new home in an awesome neighborhood, where the kids and I can go for walks at night and collect rocks and pine cones without being scared of getting shot.

I always hesitate to say this because it feels like I'm tempting fate {knock on wood} but life is really good right now, and I am so very thankful for what the first three months of this year have brought to me and mine.

Happy Friday.


  1. Love the Hemingway quote! Sounds like you and Bill are doing wonderful and the trip to Italy will be amazing!

    1. I hope so! It's the most time we've ever spent alone together, ever, so I'm a little nervous that after the fourth night of me drooling on him in my sleep or taking all the covers he'll be ready for separate twin beds ;)

  2. Just found you and I'm eager to read more about you!

    I too am trying to raise a son without a dad around all the time... I am divorced and it has been SO hard! My little guy is 4 too and it's tough!

    hang in there.... sounds like you are and that life is going well for you! I am always knocking on wood because my life is going great too... lol.

    1. Hi Jacy!! I'm glad you found me, it sounds like we have a lot in common. Raising kids on your own is so so hard. I've been doing it for 8 years and I know that one day when they're all grown up I won't even be able to tell you how I did it, because there's no way to do it, other than just....doing it. Trying to take a lot of deep breaths, and getting through each day. I hope you stick around and we can get to know each other better :)
      Good luck with your little one too, I'm sure he's very lucky to have a mama who loves him enough for a mom and a dad!