Monday, November 7, 2011

What's Different


Credit where credit is due: the idea for this post comes from the amazing mind of Mr. Becker himself. Since I have been suffering from some mind numbing writer's block, I turned to my much appreciated and extremely important boyfriend for some ideas, and this is what I got. Enjoy.

Some of you might wonder, after reading Our Love Story, what's different about our relationship now that we're back together for the third time. 
Why are we suddenly so happy now, after being in such awkward limbo for over two years? 
{Maybe none of you wonder, but I'm telling you anyway}

The answer seemed, at first, difficult to put into words. We are so different now, it's sometimes hard for me to recognize the people we were to each other for so long. Compared to how we are toward to each other now, those people seem so distant, withholding, calculating even, planning out their every word, gesture and step in order to maintain an air of casualty.
We're nothing like that now.

There is a tenderness between us that simply never existed before. 
The way he touches me, looks into my eyes, and even kisses me, is all so much more tender and loving now.

For the first time since I've known Bill, there is romance in our relationship. And it is such a sweet and simple romance, that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. It looks just like us: nothing flashy or over the top, never cliche, but completely genuine, and exactly suited to who we are together.

And for the first time since we've known each other, I feel like I can honestly say that we are open with each other. It was a deal we had to make, a promise we had to swear on with our pinkies. We had to hand over our hearts into the care and keep of the other person. We had to throw our lots in together, and trust the other person to take care of the most delicate parts of ourselves.

Also, we couldn't keep communicating the way we were, both understating, withholding, and looking elsewhere for the things we needed because we were so afraid of rejection that we never felt comfortable asking each other. I can, and do, tell Bill everything. Even the hard things, or the uncomfortable things, because the words that are the hardest to say are the usually the most important ones. So even if my voice is shaking, I ask for what I need.

In the end, the biggest {and depending on how you look at it, only} difference, is love.

The sheer existence of love where it did not exist, or went unexpressed before, changes everything. It colors the way we interact and how we treat each other every single day.
We are not careless or casual with each other, we take care of each other. 
We are not blase, or ambivalent, we no longer work as hard as possible to maintain a laissez-faire. 
We speak, and we give, and we show each other every chance we get that the other person matters.
And I, for one, wake up every morning and make the conscious decision all over again, to give Bill my heart, and to honor the love that exists between us because I know I'm lucky to have it.

I never understood pure joy, I never understood pure happiness, at least when it came to love and intimacy with another person, until Bill and I decided to let each other in, even into the dark, delicate and vulnerable parts of ourselves, and love each other as much as we could.

There is so much different now, and there is still so much to look forward to.

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