I want to be a home birth midwife.
I want it more than anything in the world. I have wanted it since I was a kid. Right now I work as a doula, I teach childbirth classes and I love it. I absolutely love it. But I want more. I want to be a midwife. For the most part I know that this goal is down the road somewhere, and will be possible once some other things have worked out. However that doesn't stop me from having nights like this where I am up late (its 1:30 in the morning) reading birth blogs, looking at midwifery websites and envying the lives of others. I am panicking. I feel like my dream with never come true. I am stressing out over something that I haven't even started TRYING to do, will never be done. Ridiculous, I know, but real all the same. I am heartbroken that it hasn't happened already. This feeling is temporary, I know that too. Tomorrow or the next day or maybe next week, I will feel better and remember that I am working some other details out first. That it hasn't happened yet because I haven't made it happen yet, and that one day I will be a midwife. But tonight is still tonight and my angst is still my angst.
At least I know what I want. People that don't know what they want tell me I'm ahead of the game. But I think the people who are DOING what they want are ahead of me. So I'm not sure how ahead I am. I think I am somewhere in the advanced section of the middle. Which is ok for now, but tonight it bugs the shit out of me.