I have been hearing this all too much recently. "That's just the way it is..." or "Thats just how life goes" and you know what? Those things suck! I have grown to hate hearing those trite and ridiculous phrases that are used to comfort someone who is struggling. Really it just tells me that you don't give a shit, and you can't think of any real advice so you are handing me a pat on the head and a cookie and hoping that will shut me up. Well it won't!
It's been a rough couple of days. Rough days are not uncommon when you are a single mom. I have to be a mom and a dad. A woman and a man, and sadly I have to be "the man" more than I get to be the woman. The kids have been fighting like cats and dogs only cats and dogs with louder voices and more annoying screaches. Work has been busy, which is a blessing and a curse, of course. Owning my own business has been such a journey. I have learned some really hard lessons, and I am learning about myself more than sometimes I think I would like to. Dave is out of town, and as much as I hate to admit it, that does make things a little more challenging for me. He is a HUGE part of my support system, and we have learned to work and live as a team. Him being gone is an adjustment.
On top of and aside from all of this, I am lonely. This is my least favorite thing to admit to. It makes me feel vulnerable, needy and sort of pathetic. Which is stupid. Everyone is capable of being lonely, from time to time. "Loneliness is the human condition. Don't expect anyone to fill that void. The bst you can do is know what you want, and not let the cattle get in the way" -White Oleander. But alas, I am lonely. It's not exactly anything new to me. I am a single mother, and loneliness is probably pretty constant in my life. Having to be two people for your children is hard. Being counted on for EVERYTHING in their life is draining. I don't have someone to share that burden with and it can get damn heavy sometimes.
Due to responsibility and circumstance, I have to play mother and father, woman and man. But, at the end of the day I am a woman. Sometimes I am just a girl. And I miss that tender embrace of a man. Someone that listens. A chest to rest my head on. That love and that comfort that women need. Sometimes late at night, after the kids are bathed and put to bed, after dinner is put away and the house is picked up, I sit outside on the ground and smoke a cigarette. I turn my face up toward the sky and I talk to the stars. I tell them about my day. I tell them about my fears and my worries. Sometimes I have good news to share, sometimes they watch me silently cry.
Lonely is a place where the night is too quiet and the hours pass too slow. A place where your bed is too big and your words have no ear to slip into. Where your hands are always cold and you collapse against the tile floor instead of into the arms of someone who looks out for you when you are too tired to look out for yourself.
Lonely is a house that only you live in, where people never come to visit.
I am sitting on my couch, listening to The Rolling Stones, letting the feeling of lonely crawl up onto the couch with me, and sing along to all the saddest songs. I am wishing you were here, whoever you are.